An Absence of Boundaries.
"Did you hear about. . .That is so sad."
At the dropping of a name by a new acquaintance, I Googled a former classmate from once upon a time. I had NOT heard about him, but a quick internet search gave me about half a dozen news items of the youth minister/social worker who was arrested, and subsequently plead guilty to multiple counts of Sexual abuse of a minor.
It is sad. It is sad that someone is victimized, that someone will have to spend time, maybe even the rest of their life, recovering from sexual victimization. It is sad that this young lady (age has NOT been released to the public) will have to deal with the things that she will have to deal with.
But I have to be honest with you. . .it is sad in a number of OTHER regards as well. This perpetrator, at least to MY memory, was a talented actor and singer, a vibrant personality, and a very intelligent man. Even though he and I were not close (we were, in fact, rivals in many areas), there was alot about him that was admirable. When I heard the news, I was not shocked. . .not really even suprised. . .for all that was good and admirable about this guy, he had TERRIBLE boundary issues. . .he had incredible difficulty being able to discern what was appropriate from what was inappropriate.
Maybe I am giving this guy too much benefit of the doubt. . .he did a terrible thing which is inexcusable. . .I know that and that is enough. . .but at the same time I also remember that I have been in situations myself that have skirted the lines and crossed boundaries. . .Thankfully I avoided making the same mistakes that this man did, but it is as much because of luck or grace as it was my ability to maintain boundaries. I am SO thankful that I understand better now.
Boundaries are difficult things to manage. . .especially when one has been hurt, or abused. Again, this is NOT to excuse anyones behavior, but it seems that alot of times the line between right and wrong becomes blurred when the line between "I need" and "I want" is unclear as well.
The reasons for all of this, who knows. I know that this man has poor boundaries. I know that ALL abusers do. I know that the inability to differentiate between wants and needs are at the root of most of the ills in our culture. This man is not alone in his crimes, and I DON'T just mean his sexual perpetration. Our entire culture is rooted in the idea that people should be able to gratify themselves at the expense of others. It permeates our religion, our politics, our media, our entertainment. Until people find a TRUE source of grace and happiness, the cycle will continue.
At the dropping of a name by a new acquaintance, I Googled a former classmate from once upon a time. I had NOT heard about him, but a quick internet search gave me about half a dozen news items of the youth minister/social worker who was arrested, and subsequently plead guilty to multiple counts of Sexual abuse of a minor.
It is sad. It is sad that someone is victimized, that someone will have to spend time, maybe even the rest of their life, recovering from sexual victimization. It is sad that this young lady (age has NOT been released to the public) will have to deal with the things that she will have to deal with.
But I have to be honest with you. . .it is sad in a number of OTHER regards as well. This perpetrator, at least to MY memory, was a talented actor and singer, a vibrant personality, and a very intelligent man. Even though he and I were not close (we were, in fact, rivals in many areas), there was alot about him that was admirable. When I heard the news, I was not shocked. . .not really even suprised. . .for all that was good and admirable about this guy, he had TERRIBLE boundary issues. . .he had incredible difficulty being able to discern what was appropriate from what was inappropriate.
Maybe I am giving this guy too much benefit of the doubt. . .he did a terrible thing which is inexcusable. . .I know that and that is enough. . .but at the same time I also remember that I have been in situations myself that have skirted the lines and crossed boundaries. . .Thankfully I avoided making the same mistakes that this man did, but it is as much because of luck or grace as it was my ability to maintain boundaries. I am SO thankful that I understand better now.
Boundaries are difficult things to manage. . .especially when one has been hurt, or abused. Again, this is NOT to excuse anyones behavior, but it seems that alot of times the line between right and wrong becomes blurred when the line between "I need" and "I want" is unclear as well.
The reasons for all of this, who knows. I know that this man has poor boundaries. I know that ALL abusers do. I know that the inability to differentiate between wants and needs are at the root of most of the ills in our culture. This man is not alone in his crimes, and I DON'T just mean his sexual perpetration. Our entire culture is rooted in the idea that people should be able to gratify themselves at the expense of others. It permeates our religion, our politics, our media, our entertainment. Until people find a TRUE source of grace and happiness, the cycle will continue.
posted by Thomas J. at 10/08/2005 02:20:00 PM
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