The Winkler Case-- The church of Christ, Divorce, and Murder.

Let me start by saying that being a BIG fan of personal responsibility, I am not one to lay blame for circumstances. I have learned, over time, that we all, as people, are ultimately responsible for the choices that we make and how we deal with the situations that we (as competent adults) get ourselves into.

Having said that, I thought that maybe it would be beneficial to examine one of the groups that the "blame" of the Matt Winkler murder has been laid upon: The church of Christ. It has been alleged, apparently on CNN, as well as a number of discussion boards that I have looked at, that it was the "cult-like nature" of the church of Christ, and the church's degradation of women that are ultimately responsible for the extreme measures that Mary Winkler took last week. I must admit, that having left that particular religious group, I can understand and accept to an extent where they are coming from on this. There are segments of that denomination that DO ascribe to a very derogatory view of women, and creates an environment where physical, sexual, and emotional abuse are able to flourish. I do not want to be misunderstood to be saying that I believe that misogyny is institutionalized in the group as a whole, but there are LARGE segments of the denomination that maintain a very misogynistic viewpoint.


I think that the greater harm is done, however, with the view of divorce that is taught in a significant number (I would risk saying MOST) of the congregations of the church of Christ. The c of C teaches, citing Matthew 5:31-32, Matthew 19:1-12, Mark 10:1-12, and others to emphasize that the ONLY reason that a person can get divorced is that if their spouse has cheated on them. Many congregations fail to emphasize that the prohibition is not on divorce, but on remarriage. These passages are not viewed as directives within a cultural setting, but as universal absolutes, transcending all time.

As a result, Divorce is treated as sort of a "cardinal sin" within the churches of Christ. An individual who has been divorced for what they consider "unscriptural reasons" is doomed to a life of isolation and shame. They are expected to remain celibate and unmarried, or else face the committing a sin in the eyes of God. In many places, individuals converting TO the church of Christ, who have been divorced and then remarried prior to converting are encouraged to separate, and even to return to a prior spouse. Likewise, many individuals that I have known tell the story of church leaders encouraging a woman to return to an abusive spouse and "make the marriage work" because to leave him would be to sin. I can remember when I worked as a youth minister, the main question that was asked to me during the interview was whether or not my wife or I had ever been married and divorced before. The elders of that particular congregation had no questions about doctrine or theology. . .They did not want to know what I was going to be teaching or what sort of activities I had planned for the youth group. Their primary concern was that I had not been divorced and remarried. That was very telling to me. I could have been teaching any sort of crazy theology that I wanted to, but as long as I had not been divorced and remarried, it was all cool.

Along these same lines, I have heard a sermon illustration used on several occasions by several preachers in several congregations. In order to illustrate the importance of obeying "God's Will", the preacher will say something like this: "God hates divorce. My wife and I have been married for thirty years, and in all that time, we have never ONCE considered divorce. MURDER, yes, but DIVORCE, no." I don't think that is very funny considering the present circumstance of discussion. In fact, I think that it is reasonable to state that the church of Christ can be much more supportive to a murderer than it can a divorcee. Every time I have known of a member of the church of Christ who has been arrested, suspected, or convicted of Murder, There is an outpouring of support towards that individual. I remember Mark Harris, the son of one of the teachers at Freed-Hardeman University, a church of Christ university, who murdered a man over a drug debt. There were numerous preachers, elders, and church members who went to visit him in jail. . .Ministering him and trying to help him through his time of trouble. Apparently the same is true of Mary WInkler. CNN and MSNBC report a number of church members at Mary WInkler's preliminary hearing who were stating that they were there to give her 100% of their support.

Now, I don't wish to diminish the grace and godliness that is demonstrated in that action. But my 20+ years of experience within the church of Christ has NEVER seen this sort of outpouring of support towards a divorcee' who did not have "scriptural reasons" or was the "erring partner". I am not altogether sure that Mary WInkler would have received the kind of support that she is right now if she had filed for divorce.

So, am I saying that the church of Christ is to blame for the murder of Matt Winkler? No, absolutely not. Mary winkler has admitted to pulling the trigger. Her reasons for that are not made public at this time. Time will tell whether or not those reasons will be found to be justifiable in the eyes of the Law. I will let God make his own judgment.

I WILL say, that I think that this needs to be a wake up call to religious groups that create an environment that provides few options to certain members. When individuals are in situations where they have few options, they usually do extreme, and often dangerous things. One can attribute the teaching to the Bible, but the rigidity with which the teachings are applied is not. Likewise, the attitude of coldness and absolutism with which these precepts are applied can cause far more harm than good.

The Winkler Case-- Gender Bias in the Media

This will be the first, in what I am sure will be a series, of blogs about the Matt Winkler murder. Matt and Mary were both students at Freed-Hardeman around the same time I was there (on my way OUT actually) so I am peripherally aware of them (to the point i recognized their pictures on TV, but noit to the point where I knew them personally). I also am acquainted with Selmer/McNairy County TN, having been a mental health Crisis worker in that area for several years. At the most, I am one degree removed from pretty much everybody involved with the case. The culture and environment that the murder occured in is where my roots are. . .having lived in the community of the church of Christ in southwest TN for a good numbeer of years.

I am sure that I will elaborate more on the religious and cultural issues pertinent to the case in future posts, but right now, i want to address an issue that is very poigniant to me as this case has been developing. I am increasingly aware of the gender bias in the way that the Media has been reporting this, and other crimes.

As I have been watching the reports develop on the different news channels (at the same time the female high school teacher is being tried for having sex with a student), i have been continually hearing the question of "what would MAKE this good christian wife do such a thing?". . immediately, speculations of spousal abuse, infidelity, molestation of the daughters are being thrown out. Even on the ex church of Christ Board that I frequent, there is the general consensus that the emotional and spiritual oppression of women in such a culture would wasily lend itself to someone "snapping" and committing cold blooded murder. I had one friend say to me that she could EASILY understand. . ."with life in Selmer as a preacher's wife". I can;t really argue with all of that, but as I say, there seems to be a disparity between the way the media reports crimes against men as opposed to when they report crimes against women. There are detail that are VASTLY different than the Scott Peterson trial, but the end result is the same. . .one spouse murdered another. In the Peterson trial, his villany was portrayed as obvious and conspicuous. Everyone, including me, thought the man should fry. It is interesting to see how different the reporting has been in this case. . .about the poor woman who MUST have been justified, in some way, to kill that mean old man.

It occurs to me that this may just be evidence of a subliminal (or not so much so) form of misandry that occurs within the media--The woman is always the victim, and the man is always the perpetrator. . .you see a significant disparity in the reports of women who have commited crimes, such as murder, or statutory rape. . .me are automatically labelled as ogres or perverts, but the women are "disturbed" or "wounded" in some way. The woman becomes somehow justified in her crimes, before the facts are all in.

Or perhaps, it is even worse. Perhaps rather than misandry, it is actually a heavily veiled form of misogyny. . .just with a really good mask on. It seems that there is the assumption that women, in their "weakness", CAN'T be held accountable for heinous crimes. It seems as if the media bias may be rooted in the assumption that A man has to take responsibility for himself, but a poor mistreated woman can't be expected to make good choices. The attitude seems to be that women are never strong enough to be the perpetrator in any situation. . .she must be some sort of victim, and it is her victimization that has caused her acting out.

I am not sure which, if either, of these are true. Both are dangerous, in my opinion, as they compartmentalize people in a way that dismisses individuality and responsibility. Where I feel certain that there is as such thing as "mitigating circumstances" in many situations, i think that our media driven culture does a terrible job of observing these circumstances in a way that is equitable as related to gender.

Why did Mary WInkler shoot her husband? I am not sure. I have guesses myself, many of which are rooted deeply in my experiences in the culture of the church of Christ. This is a culture that CNN, MSNBC, et al are not necessarily privy to, and therefore should not make assumptions based on gender in reporting the case.

More Than What we See.

My second album, Believe, was written and recorded at a time when my faith system, once completely destructed, were being rebuit and reevaluated. . .I was coming to realize that I was not quite as agnostic as I had believed (since my departure from fundamentalism), but that i DID have some very firm, solid beliefs about God, hman nature, the material world, and the Spiritual world. Many of these beliefs are still in flux. . .growing and maturing on an almost daily basis, but there are several things that I believe in very firmly.

Let me share some thoughts with you from the lyrics of some of the songs on the album:

From Underneath the Water:

The Weirdness and the wildness
The relevance of ancient tales
They lead me on to wisdom
They lead me down forgotten trails
And when I look for something
To teach me how to be a man
I find him deep inside me
A mentor form an ancient CLan
He was underneath the Water

From Believe:

I've given up so many things
I used to hold as true
I've doubted all the powers
Guiding me and you
And I feel the hunger
That's burning in our hearts
People never can tell
Love and fear apart

Another Reason I have lost my faith. . .

But I Believe in Love.

From Queen Anne's Lace:

I Cannot promise only days of days of joy and laughter
But you can take your fears and stare them in the face
Oh my daughters and my sons you'll know the joy that follows after
Oh and then I'll see you standing
In the Queen Anne's Lace

Everything must end that has begun
But I hope that you will always live in grace
Always please remember this my daughters and my sons
I only want to see you standing
In the Queen Anne's Lace

From Jericho:

I can't believe that a God of Love
Would demand the blood of an innocent child
If a prohphet's tounge spits lies of hate
It's not a Holy war, it's genocide

From Courage:

It takes a stronger man to understand
Than to throw himself on a hand grenade.

From Taken with Available Light:

All we have is what we have
All we are is what we are
Pictures of moments in time
Taken with Available Light

You and I
Have everything we need
Picture perfect
With Available Light

And then of course, the entire lyric for More than what we See:

I believe that love is never ending
I believe that hope can always find a way
I believe that wisdom comes from learning
But also from a place of yearning
To live my life growing every day

I believe religion holds no answers
But I believe in providence and grace
I believe there is a higher power
Day by day, hour by hour
Guides us on to find a better place

If you ask the reason why,
Listen closely I will tell you
It’s written all across the sky,
Singing on the wind
In the eyes of every laughing child,
In the lover’s touch, the old man’s memories
Something sacred, something wild
More than what we see

I believe that violence seldom profits
I believe that wanton bloodshed is a sin
I believe that hate’s a cancer
To live that way there is no answer
Fall in that well, you won’t get out again

If you ask the reason why,
Listen closely I will tell you
It’s written all across the sky,
Singing on the wind
In the eyes of every laughing child,
In the lover’s touch, the old man’s memories
Something sacred, something wild
More than what we see

Maybe it is all not very good as a statement of doctrine or dogma, but it is not really meant to be. I personally believe that God works best in an environemtn where we listen more than speak, and are defined rather than defining.

What about you all. . .what do YOU believe? What principles guide you and your life? More importantly, how do these beliefs express themselves in your life?

Nobody's Hero

Those of you who know me (or have listened to my music) know that one of my favorite bands, is the Canadian Power Trio, Rush. They are a band that has withstood the test of time, and they have my utmost respect as people, songwriters, and instrumentalists. On their 1994 album, "Counterparts" (which remains one of my favorite albums to date) they recorded a song called "Nobody's Hero":

Nobody’s Hero

I knew he was different in his sexuality

I went to his parties as a straight minority

It never seemed a threat to my masculinity

It only introduced me to a wider reality

As the years went by we drifted apart

When I heard that he was gone I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he’s nobody’s hero

Saves a drowning child, cures a wasting disease

Hero. . .Lands a crippled airplane, solves great mysteries

Hero. . .Not the handsome actor who plays the hero’s role

Hero. . .Not the glamour girl who’d love to sell her soul

If anybody’s buying—Nobody’s Hero

I didn’t know the girl but I knew her family

All their lives were shattered in the nightmare of brutality

The tried to carry on, tried to bear the agony

Tried to hold some faith in the goodness of humanity

As the years went by we drifted apart

When I heard that she was gone I felt a shadow cross my heart

But she’s nobody’s hero

Is the voice of reason against the howling mob

Hero. . .Is the pride of purpose in the unrewarding job

Hero. . .Not the champion player who plays the perfect game

Hero. . .Not the glamour boy who’d love to sell his name

If anybody’s buying—Nobody’s Hero

As the years went by we drifted apart

When I heard that you were gone I felt a shadow cross my heart

But he’s nobody’s hero

Saves a drowning child, cures a wasting disease

Hero. . .Lands a crippled airplane, solves great mysteries

Hero. . .Not the handsome actor who plays the hero’s role

Hero. . .Not the glamour girl who’d love to sell her soul

If anybody’s buying—Nobody’s Hero

Nobody’s Hero

The song is, to me, profound in that it focuses on all of the things that our contemporary culture does not: The extraordinary nature of ordinary people.

I was impressed with Reese Witherspoon’s quote by June Carter Cash at the Oscars the other night, when she said “I’m just trying to matter.” I believe that. I gave up, long ago, trying to change the world, or save the world, or impress the world, or whatever. I have not, however, given up a desire to matter. My mission as a person.

My late mother used to have this on our refrigerator door when I was a child. It is a from a poem called “Life” by Emily Dickinson:

IF I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.

This is the legacy that I have inherited. This is my mission. I can’t help but ask myself every day, am I doing it justice? Am I mattering? Am I being somebody’s unsung hero? I don’t ask this for validation, as much as I want to know that I AM on the right track, that I AM making a difference.

The Scent of Memory

Kimberly made a comment on my last blog post regarding the smell of her grandmother's perfume. . .how this is a scent that will be a part of her memory as long as she has cogniscience (and perhaps after). It got me to thinking about how many scents are tied to MY memories. . What things will touch my nose and send me, like a bloodhound, down the roads of reverie?

Here are a few that occured to me at this writing, I encourage readers to add to this list the things that touch them.

Emeraude Perfume and Salem Cigarrettes (My mother wore Emeraude as long as I remember
Suave shampoo and cigarrettes
Railroad tie pitch (Many times down by the tracks in Henderson)
green beans slow cooking
Crayola Crayons
Modeling Clay
Burnt plastic
the non-toxic model glue that smelled like oranges
Aveeno oatmeal bath and eucerine cream
Anis Anis Perfume (they weren't ALL bad times)
Fresh lavender blossoming
Rotten apples (from my backyard in Muncie. . .and the DALTON'S backyard)
Sand from a sandbox
Cow Manure (Tromping thru the pastures with Bekah and Jake!!)
The funny smell that was inside Ricky's guitar case
Eucalyptus (Ah, that first night in California was like coming back to life)
Raspberry shaving gel
Victoria's Secret Secret 88 perfume
Coke and Polo cologne
Deisel fumes (How many miles on the Chorus bus?)
Heather Fletcher's Apple Mousse
Wet Dog (Ah, my wonderful Jake)
Amazing Elastic Plastic
Silly Putty
Fresh Latex (No silly, from new action figures!!!)
Mothballs (Mom's big steamer trunk--that had all the fabric in it)

I am sure that without much effort I could think of a million more. . .or more likely, I will find the smells first and then collect the memories afterwards. . .that is far more likely.

Anybody else?