Healing and Forgiveness
I have been spending an enormous amount of time over the past few days thinking about my VERY volitile divorce in the wake of my discussion with the "Masked Man" on several of the posts on this Blog. The conversations with friends and family that this dialogue has initiated, has been centered around the idea of healing and forgiveness.
It is no suprise to those who know me and know the story that there has been ALOT of anger, even hatred that has been on both sides of the fence in the war that resulted in our separation and divorce. The finger pointing, accusations, hostility, threats, slander, etc went in both directions, even as late as this past spring, which was when my last correspondence with the Harbisons in St. Louis took place.
I wonder though, how obsolete that is for both of us. We have BOTH prospered SO much since the divorce. The lives, the families, the marriages that we BOTH have are far better than ANYTHING we could have had together. Apparently, her husband is exactly what she needs. . .in GOOD ways, and I KNOW that Kimberly is exactly right for me.
I, for several years, damned her SO much for my separation from Bekah, and who knows, maybe I was justified for doing so. But lately, I have been trying to get a little bit more perspective. It seems that Bekah is more than blessed to be in a family that is cohesive and single minded (again, I am assuming by appearances), as well as a family that is able to focus on her talent and intelligence with a single minded parenting skill. God knows, Conni and I, being so different, NEVER could have done that.
I think the BIGGEST thing that has helped me to start to shift my paradigm regarding this is realizing that Conni and I were TOO different, from the start. I think that our marriage, had it been based on healthy perspective and good choices, NEVER would have happened. What she needed and what I needed were two totally different things. I am starting to be able to say that that "difference" is neither good nor bad. I hope she is as well.
I am hesitant to believe that the Harbison family and the Wilson family will EVER be friends. Maybe I am TOO skeptical. Maybe there IS enough grace and forgiveness that there could be some sort of peace. I know that I am starting (STARTING, mind you) to forgive. Conni has done, exactly what she needed to do, being who she is. Maybe I have too. The proof is in the pudding as My Mother always said. . .it appears that we have all come out better for what has happened.
I just hope, that forgiveness and healing is also something that is also being taught to Bekah. I by no means want to diminish the significance of her step father to her. . .nor do I seek to diminish his role as father, especially because by all appearances, she is doing nothing but prospering under his care. I think that it should behoove all of us to ignore the care that I provided her the first half of her life. Likewise, it should not be ignored that my blood runs through her veins as well as her mother's blood.
I think that my point is that I believe that healing and forgiveness CAN take place, but I also believe that it will NOT happen fully if we are NOT in some way working together on it.
I think that we have all grown and matured. It is time to forgive, to grow, to move on. We are not the same people that we were. I think that Kimberly said it best when she commented the other day that "Some people just aren't meant to be together". This is true of Conni and me. Again, this "greatest mistake" has been turned into nothing but good, and I can only attribute that to some sort of Divine Grace touching all of our lives. I can only hope that we ALL allow this Grace to guide us into greater healing and forgiveness.
It is no suprise to those who know me and know the story that there has been ALOT of anger, even hatred that has been on both sides of the fence in the war that resulted in our separation and divorce. The finger pointing, accusations, hostility, threats, slander, etc went in both directions, even as late as this past spring, which was when my last correspondence with the Harbisons in St. Louis took place.
I wonder though, how obsolete that is for both of us. We have BOTH prospered SO much since the divorce. The lives, the families, the marriages that we BOTH have are far better than ANYTHING we could have had together. Apparently, her husband is exactly what she needs. . .in GOOD ways, and I KNOW that Kimberly is exactly right for me.
I, for several years, damned her SO much for my separation from Bekah, and who knows, maybe I was justified for doing so. But lately, I have been trying to get a little bit more perspective. It seems that Bekah is more than blessed to be in a family that is cohesive and single minded (again, I am assuming by appearances), as well as a family that is able to focus on her talent and intelligence with a single minded parenting skill. God knows, Conni and I, being so different, NEVER could have done that.
I think the BIGGEST thing that has helped me to start to shift my paradigm regarding this is realizing that Conni and I were TOO different, from the start. I think that our marriage, had it been based on healthy perspective and good choices, NEVER would have happened. What she needed and what I needed were two totally different things. I am starting to be able to say that that "difference" is neither good nor bad. I hope she is as well.
I am hesitant to believe that the Harbison family and the Wilson family will EVER be friends. Maybe I am TOO skeptical. Maybe there IS enough grace and forgiveness that there could be some sort of peace. I know that I am starting (STARTING, mind you) to forgive. Conni has done, exactly what she needed to do, being who she is. Maybe I have too. The proof is in the pudding as My Mother always said. . .it appears that we have all come out better for what has happened.
I just hope, that forgiveness and healing is also something that is also being taught to Bekah. I by no means want to diminish the significance of her step father to her. . .nor do I seek to diminish his role as father, especially because by all appearances, she is doing nothing but prospering under his care. I think that it should behoove all of us to ignore the care that I provided her the first half of her life. Likewise, it should not be ignored that my blood runs through her veins as well as her mother's blood.
I think that my point is that I believe that healing and forgiveness CAN take place, but I also believe that it will NOT happen fully if we are NOT in some way working together on it.
I think that we have all grown and matured. It is time to forgive, to grow, to move on. We are not the same people that we were. I think that Kimberly said it best when she commented the other day that "Some people just aren't meant to be together". This is true of Conni and me. Again, this "greatest mistake" has been turned into nothing but good, and I can only attribute that to some sort of Divine Grace touching all of our lives. I can only hope that we ALL allow this Grace to guide us into greater healing and forgiveness.
posted by Thomas J. at 11/13/2005 09:38:00 PM
6 Comments:
tjw- this is a great post. i am glad that you are thinking about it. what do you hope this post accomplishes? have you given any thought to what your next step may be?
this is great.
-masked man
Well, you know, MM, I am not sure that there IS a next step for me, other than to continue to grow, heal, and move towards that place of forgiveness. It has been made clear by the folks in St. Louis that my presence in their lives is neither welcome nor needed. If that has changed, I would hope that they would reach out. . .maybe in time, I will feel more comfortable reaching out to them.
It is a challenge to think about that. . .Conni and I were two people who really appeared to bring out the worst in each other. . .during and after our marriage. Who knows how much growth has taken place to overcome that? Again, I would hope that my intentions have been clear. . .that I want to do the right thing and have been trying to. How my actions are interpreted by anybody else is not something that i can truly overcome. I personaly am trying to make the changes in the way that I have dealt with the situaton (as I am in the process of removing inflammatory statements from the website, etc). I am not sure that they are motivated to make any changes. I can't say one way or the other. I just hope that they hear, and believe that the door is open on my part. And that I want nothing more than to reconcile with Bekah, and come to a place of peace with Conni and Jason, both of whom I am learning to forgive and respect more with each passing day.
On a side note, "Masked Man", I think that you have made it clear that your intentions are of a benevolent nature. I would feel more comfortable if you would drop the subterfuge and either post with your name, or email me directly. I certainly think that we have moved along enough for that, don't you?
Thomas J.
i am sorry that i cannot reveal myself at this time.
That is unfortunate. I, like I said, AM feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the anonymity. I can not see a good reason for you to remain "masked", if indeed your intentions ARE honorable. I think that i woulod feel better if you were to post and identify yourself, otherwise, I am going to most likely feel more comfortable editing or deleting your posts. Like I say, this discourse has been VERY thought provoking, and I would hate to end it, but I think that your anonymity casts suspicion on your motivations.
Ah well, as my old late mother used to say, "You gotta do what you gotta do."
Thanks, and I look forward to hearing more from you, with all disguises shed.
Thomas J.
okay, we will go with your mom's thought "you gotta do what you gotta do." I am unable to tell you who I am at this time. If that means that we can't talk anymore, then so be it. I still plan to continue trying to reach you, and Connie as well.
Good luck to you and your wife on the birth of your new daughter.
hey, great to catch you on your own turf. Good article.
regards
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